


If Iwaizumi was gay

by impromptu



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, M/M, Musicals, Pre-Relationship, Song Lyrics, Song fic, but lbr iwa is for sure GAY, can i get a yeaahh, i guess, lolololol, squint and u'll catch the plot for next fic lololol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 16:04:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9243203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impromptu/pseuds/impromptu
Summary: “Well, okay, but just so you know?” Oikawa announced“If you were gay, that'd be okay I mean cause, hey. I'd like you anyway.” Oikawa sang. Iwaizumi was too stunned to even react to that beyond stupid remark because why the fuck is he singing and where the fuck it that music coming from





	

**Author's Note:**

> does anyone know avenue Q??? cause if you do it is exactly what you think it is. for everyone who doesn't I highly recommend listening to this before or after to get a clue why this was made https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuR5YMyfeNI  
> this was purely made for enjoyment and on 4 hours of sleep but constructive criticism is always appreciated.

**If iwaizumi was gay**

It was a lovely Saturday afternoon somewhere in the middle of March and Iwaizumi was more than delighted by the fact that Daichi gave him the day off from working at the bar ‘Les animaux noirs’   
It wasn’t that Iwaizumi disliked the bar, no, in fact he adored how far Daichi had come on his own and what the bar represented for him. Daichi was a hardworking ambitious individual and Iwaizumi looked up to him even though they were the same age.

But there’s only so many hair-product fumes a man could smell from his co-workers before he grew insane and in Iwaizumi’s defense Kuroo and Bokuto had passed that limit in the first few hours he started working at ‘Les animaux noirs’.

That would explain his unhuman tolerance towards the two Iwaizumi recons, maybe instead of superhuman mutant powers he got superhuman patience to be able to deal with all their bullshit. So maybe a day less with the fumes from their unnatural, gravity-defying hair would do him good he supposes.

And okay maybe he wasn’t exactly “given” the day off it was more along the lines of   
_“Iwaizumi I respect the fact that you’re so committed to your job but for god sakes if you do not take a break soon I’m going to have to kick you out for the sake of your own wellbeing’’_

Although be it anyone else Iwaizumi would’ve objected but _when Daichi gets stern it’s either learn or end up in an urn._  
  
No, Iwaizumi did not come up with that one. It was the ever-smirking bartender Kuroo who possessed enough stupidity to come up with that one. And even though Iwaizumi claimed to absolutely despise it, he can’t help but thinking it on some occasions where Daichi does look like he’s going to cremate someone and stuff them in an urn.

Which contrary to popular belief happens quite often when he’s had enough of Kuroo and Bokuto which Iwaizumi had renamed “Dumb” and “Dumber”. Because let’s face it, that movie is a classic.

So, Iwaizumi took his free day gracefully and basked in the tranquility that filled the apartment on a Saturday afternoon. Occasionally sipping some coffee while reading one of his favorite guilty pleasure books “Big girl in the middle”  
Although he wouldn’t recommend it to a single soul it was a very good book which led to him rereading it on his free day.

And it was such a tranquil and peaceful experience before his door slammed open and shut and his roommate walked in with no respect for his peace of mind

“ _Oh_ ,” his roommate said, obviously surprised about his presence “Hi Iwaizumi"

“Hi Oikawa” Iwaizumi grumbled because **it had been such a perfect day up till now and he didn’t have nearly enough coffee in his system to deal with Oikawa in general** _._

“Did Dadchi force you to take a day off again?” Oikawa inquired with his usual cheery and borderline teasing voice.

Iwaizumi only huffed in response while trying to focus on his book because **hell** he can’t hide it from his roommate anymore now that he’s been caught like a deer in headlights so better to continue and assess the damage done to his pride later.

Oikawa didn’t seem to notice what he was reading or he was pretending not to. The possibility of the last option made Iwaizumi’s heart flutter slightly before he realized what was happening and brought his emotions back under control because there was **no way** he was going to give up his free day to participate in whatever Oikawa would try to lure him into doing. No matter how handsome the bastard may be.

“Hey Iwaizumi you’ll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning” Oikawa started and iwaizumi just sighed because he knew Oikawa wouldn’t stop talking until this story was finished  
  
“This guy was smiling at me and talking to me” Oikawa said in a singsong voice.  
 “hmmm that’s _very_ interesting” Iwaizumi muttered not wanting to divert his action from his book because he just wants **one day** for himself where his day isn’t full of hair-gel abusers and annoyances.

“He was being real friendly” Oikawa continued stretching out the ‘real’. “And I think he was coming on to me. I think he might’ve thought _I_ was _gay_ ”  
  
And Iwaizumi hated to admit it, but this spiked his attention. Naturally he tried to brush it off. “So, wha, why are you telling me this?” he stammered trying to find the right words while pretending to act like it didn’t affect him at all. “Why should _I_ care?” he retorted. “I don’t care. What did you have for lunch today?” he said.

“Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Iwaizumi-” Oikawa started  
  
“I’m not getting defensive” Iwaizumi hissed. “What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I'm trying to read” he finished lifting his book up as to prove a point.

“Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Iwaizumi. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about” Oikawa mused. “Well, I don't want to talk about it Oikawa! This conversation is over!” Iwaizumi interjected

“Yeah, but Iwaizumi- “

 

 “Over!” and to prove that he was done with this conversation Iwaizumi lifted his book and started to read with more intensity than he ever had in his entire life.  
“Well, okay, but just so you know?” Oikawa announced  
“ _If you were gay, that'd be okay I mean cause, hey. I'd like you anyway.”_ Oikawa sang. Iwaizumi was too stunned to even react to that beyond stupid remark because **why the fuck is he singing and _where_ the fuck it that music coming from.** **  
**  
“ _Because you see if it were meeeeeee_ ” and in this moment Iwaizumi remembered why they stuck to volleyball because Oikawa couldn’t sing for shit. **But seriously where the fuck is that music coming from.** “ _I would feel free to say that I was gay but I'm not gay_ ” Oikawa jested whilst singing  
  
“Oikawa please, I am trying to read” Iwaizumi grunted and flipped the page trying to find where he left off. It worked for a full 10 seconds before he got annoyed again because **the damn music was still playing and Oikawa was staring at him weirdly.**   


“What?” he groaned because he really did not have nearly enough patience in his body to deal with whatever this was.  
  
_“If you were queer”_  
 “ **Oikawa** ,” Iwaizumi threatened  
“ _I'd still be here_ ” Oikawa assured whilst waving his arms around referring to their crappier than crap apartment.  


“Oikawa, I'm trying to read this book,” Iwaizumi complained because **all he wants is one day in peace.**

 

“ _year after year_ ”   


“Oikawa,”

 

“ _because you're dear to me!”_ Oikawa exclaimed while pointing at the more than terrible deer painting their flat neighbor Hinata had painted in his quest to find his ‘talent’. Iwaizumi had taken a liking to the kid but whatever his talent was painting sure as hell wasn’t it.

 

“ARGH” Iwaizumi shouted in frustration. **He did not just make a pun in all of this.** **I really should get paid for the amount of shit I have to deal with on a daily basis** he thought.  
  
_“And I know that you”_ Oikawa continued much to Iwaizumi’s dismay

“what?” Iwaizumi inquired grumpily.

 _“Would accept me too”_  
“I would?” Iwaizumi snorted because seriously **what the actual fuck is going on.**

 _“If I told you today, 'hey, guess what, I'm gay!'_ _But I'm not gay_ ” Oikawa sang and Iwaizumi prayed to every god that that was the end of this.

 

Iwaizumi regretted never converting to any religion or even never visiting the shrines with his family because apparently, the divine hold grudges and so it wasn’t over.  
  
_“I'm happy just being with you”_ Iwaizumi had experienced many moments in his life where he wanted to punch Oikawa and many of those times he did but he was currently too confused to figure out where the most effective place would be on Oikawa’s body to deliver the punch.

 

“service aces, maximizing defense formation” he read aloud from his book in an attempt to block out Oikawa. Which of course wasn’t working.

  
_“So, what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?”_ Oikawa teased while bringing his fist right up in a provocative manner and maintaining the best poker face Iwaizumi had ever seen.  


“Oikawa, that is gross!”  now red-faced Iwaizumi shouted. His book and any attempt at relaxation completely forgotten.

 

“no, it's not!” Oikawa hollered while jumping onto their second-hand couch.  


_“If you were gay, I'd shout hooray”_ he cheered whilst jumping up and down like a hyperactive ten-year-old.

 

“I AM NOT LISTENING” Iwaizumi yelled trying to drown out Oikawa’s godawful singing voice.  
_“And here I'd stay”_ Oikawa countered accepting the challenge and clearly enjoying this whole ordeal **far** too much. He was jumping up and down on the coach his chestnut hair starting to dishevel due to his excessive amount of jumping. His eyes ever so joyful.  


“LA LA LA LA LA” Iwaizumi yelled whilst standing up onto his chair to get to the same height as his annoying roommate feeling childish while doing so and ever so slightly enjoying himself as well. In his defense, every little bit of rationality fled the room as soon as that music started playing from **god knows where. Seriously since when did we have money to buy any kind of stereo**.

 

 _“But I wouldn't get in your way”_ Oikawa giggled

 

“ARRGGH”  
  
_“You can count on me to always be beside you every day. To tell you it's okay”_ Oikawa continued speeding up in order to minimalize the interruptions by Iwaizumi.

 

Iwaizumi was reaching his breaking point because **none of this made sense, only Kuroo and Bokuto would possess enough stupidity to understand what is going on here.**

“ _you were just born that way”_ Oikawa shouted __  
“And, as they say it's in your D.N.A, you're gay” he exclaimed bouncing up and down at an unhuman rate from the couch.  


“I AM NOT GAY” Iwaizumi shouts feeling completely fed up with this situation and feeling like he’d gladly take another day with the hair-gel abusers than to deal with this cheap Broadway musical reenactment which he still doesn’t understand how it’s possible that it’s happening because **they don’t even own a stereo.**

 

 _“if you were gay”_ Oikawa teased before “Big girl in the middle” ungracefully collided with his head causing him to lose balance resulting in him face-planting onto the floor with a loud thud.

 

Iwaizumi really did not get paid enough to deal with this.

 

 

 

  


**Author's Note:**

> yoooooooo if you made it till the end NICE  
> thankyou for reading and if u wanna hmu my twitter is currently @annoyedfuyuhiko (hmu please i need more people to talk to)  
> have a nice dayyyyy


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